up to you how you feel

Hey "bestest" friend. You know who you are.

I'm just writing this to say that I've been thinking a lot lately and I realize this is going nowhere.

 We can never really talk heart to heart and that's what I want.

 Communication is just really important to me. Although it's kind of hard, I kept trying and I sometimes worked but never for a long time.

 It's hard for me to commit without you. So please, tell me if you really do hate me,

 so that I will know if my efforts are worth for anything at all. 

Don't hint some remark that could possibly be known as flirting. 

Because that gets me confused and mad. 

For all I know, you could be just really friendly and has not thought of us to be more than friends. 

Your actions and words speak otherwise...

And with all I know, I've been knowing you for a few years now. And I can't wait any longer. I need answers.

So here's to the possibilities. Either you end this unknown and tell me how you really feel or I just walk away. Even being just friends with you is too hard. I need to move on. I can't be stuck waiting.

And whether you read this or not, it's going to be here. Whether you reply to this or not, it's up to how you really feel.

to face that fear

It’s been a cycle since I was fourteen,. maybe younger. I fall madly in love with a boy, almost instantly. 

It’s wonderful and perfect and everything I’ve ever wanted. After about a year or so, I get bored. 

As much as I hate to admit that I’m this kind of person, I have cheated on every serious boyfriend I have ever had. I’m only eighteen..

 I’m afraid to be alone, so when things start getting rocky with a guy I find a replacement before I even end things with them.

 I have not ever trusted a man in my life except for my friends and I later learned that she betrayed my trust in a way that was completely

 unforgivable but I was too young to know. 

I loved her with all my heart all of her short life and we were so close.

I have loved a lot of guys for my age.

 Who knows if it was ever real love, but now I doubt that it ever was because I’ve realized without trust you can never have true love. 

I don’t want to be the person that I have become.

 I lie to everyone around me, especially the people

 I’m closest with just because I assume that’s what everyone does. 

When I get suspicious that someone isn’t telling the truth I usually bring it up to them and they assure me that they are being honest but I can never believe anyone’s word.  How long does it take to find out the truth about everyone else? 

Is everyone just putting on a fake face and doing what they want while telling their friends, lovers, and family just what they want to hear? 

Maybe everyone is just as good as covering up their lies as I have become. 

 And that changes everything in the relationship for me. It’s taken me a while to realize that.

I don’t know how or where to start but I need to change.

 I need to get over the things that have happened to me in the past. I need to be alone, without a man in my life to depend on, for once and work on bettering myself. Being alone has been my biggest fear since I was a child, even if for a short time. 

I need to face that fear.

 I need to learn to trust myself before I can ever trust anyone else and have a happy relationship.

To everyone I’ve ever hurt, I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me one day.

This is the first I’ve ever admitted this to anyone, it’s a lot easier to admit things to total strangers than to people you know.

 Please don’t judge me, I’m not this horrible person that I’ve become.

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love." 

When Love Comes

 

"Love comes when manipulation stops; 

when you think more about the other person than about his or her realiction to you; when you dare to reveal yourself fully; 

when you dare to be vulnerable."

What I Am..

My name is Goldee Misha and yes I do drink alcohol not beer but liquor is my vice,

I don't smoke.

I'd  stay at home ,or I often say out for shopping!

Oh damn it alot because I am only the only child and with a house full of girls,

you just gotta say it to stay sane, 

I am and always be a bitch because of home wrecking bitches.

I do curse, 

I do think I have a very tough life even though looking from 

the outside in my life looks fucking fabulous,

I am a sister, I am a good friend who will

 NOT let you down,

I am quiet but beware I will tear your ass a new one if need be,

I am in love with the thought of love,I trust too easily,

 I cry alot but no in public,

when I say I love you, I mean it cause I have a big heart,

I am the one person you can count on when shit hits the fan,

I am the person who will never spill your secrets,

 I am the one you least expect to steal your heart and Then make you cry,

but most of all

I AM ME.

xoxo you know you love me~

Blog Love

I just had to reblog this from this girl..

She writes things that I'm sure alot of us could relate too.Thank You for that!!

"Take it for what it is. If it's just a friend you fuck, well then that's that.

 If it's complicated and he's seeing someone else and your aware of it, then you call the shots and decide if you want to put up with it or not. 

If he mistreats you verbally or physically, how much more will you put up with?

 If you’ve fallen for someone else while you’re currently with a person, always go with your second choice. 

Because if you were truly in love, you would never ever, ever, had your options open and allowed another person in.

 It’s always about choices, your choice.

 And the best way to a clean relationship is to be honest. Always. No matter how bad it seems or is, the truth is critical.

A commitment should be honored.

 Not used as "Oh damn you’re committed to her or him?"

 They make a commitment seem so drastic. It’s a blessing to have a person who is true to you, a man or a woman who is faithful. I just learned so much.

 And I'm thankful for everything that has happened. 

Good or bad."

AWESOME FUCKIN' POST !!!

Too Afraid To Love You..

My gears they grind

More each day

And I feel like

They're gonna grind away

And the city blocks

They drive me wild

They're never ending

Mile after mile

I just don't know what to do

I'm too afraid to love you

It's heaven on earth

In her embrace

Her gentle touch

And her smiling face

I'm just one wishing

That I was a pair

With someone

Oh somewhere

All those sleepless nights

And all those wasted days

I wish loneliness would leave me

But I think it's here to stay

What more can I do

I'm wringing myself dry

And I can't afford to lose

One more teardrop from my eye

Man I really love this fuckin'song!!!!!

The Cosmic Joke

And yet, of all these things, we feel sadness the most. We are never buoyed upon an ocean of apathy. We are never crushed by complacency. We are never moved by the okayness of the world.

Sadness and pain, to help us flee danger and hurt. To help us get away when we're bleeding. You have a body and it screams "Something stirs like broken glass in my chest, leave this place, before I die."

An animal part of us, still here after all these years, breaks our hearts.

That wasn't very nice, was it?

So I posted my last blog on twitte- as I always do, with the added message 
"This blog is dedicated to every bitch and arsehole that has ever crossed my life. Big up yourselves! haha jk babe''..... Not very nice was it?

I mean it might be true, yeah, it is true and it WAS how I felt after I wrote it. But if you didn't know me, what I'm about, what I like, what I want to do in life- you'd see something like that and think she's not a very nice person or :\ she seems a bit raw, bit of a bitch. Which really couldn't be further from the truth. But it's the same for everyone- you think to yourself "I'm not a bad person, I'm quite nice" and then someone see's you one a bad day with a mardy face on and mardy attitude and BAM, nobody is seeing that potential in you that you see in yourself.

If you want to be a better person and let people see it as a truth you've got to not slip back into bad habits. Whether that be using swear words, showing off or having attitude (as examples)... Or whatever it is for you! Guess one should lead by example right? But hey I'm a tryer, everyone loves a tryer. Appaz! (apparently)

Anyway's I just deleted the link with the comment because this year I want to be taken seriously and act more classy then I have been in previous months (LOL), and being a loud-mouth-Lou just aint cutting it. 

Be ladylike.

GMG ♥

Lil' Frust :(

Today i get my very first warning letter due to absence on my first month this semester! just GREAT! 
my kehadiran before less than 80% so yeah padan muka la dapat my warning letter. Bikin malu owkayy!! 
haha but seeing someone else who get's it too macam no feel seja. As if it's not a big deal for them, but for me?? IT SUCKED!! damn..
so azam baru, will improve my kehadiran! hehe *finger crossed*
it's just so embarassing! haihh mommy got to be mad with me if she knew this. adoii~
I'm dead meat! 


It's my first day today after a revision week break. hmphh so it's kinda not-good-day-starter.
It's a relieve I've done with my 3 assignments tapi this is not a good news! haha As if it's a big deal pula but IT IS!! 
Im'ma good student! (bangga) haha. No one can change that. 


nasib baikla I got only two classes today. So my mood pun okay2 la. hihi ;)
takut2 juga the letter reach my mom! erghh :(
this can't be happening! my school going crazy!




*frust menongeng*

unbreak ma love :(

whats your defination bout love ?

two people completely comfortable together .

thats mine . so , honey . am totally not comfortable without you .

know what i feel ?

close your eyes . its dark right ? thats me without you .

but , am always think positive , even without you .

my mom always said ,

love hurts when God knows we deserve someone else .

and

how can you call it love ,

when you are crying more than smiling .

but

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

i cant have you and ma head know it ,
but
my hearts still think maybe ,
.. just maybe there is a chance :)

p/s : it totally relate with me :D

im that girl..

im that girl ,

who forgives everyone who gets mad at me .

im that girl ,

who cares away too much about what people think of her .

im that girl ,

who fears being alone .

im that girl ,

who is scared of growing up .

im that girl ,

who acts like im tough when really , i feel like crying .

im that girl ,

who says YES to everything because i hate disappointing people .

im that girl ,

who tries to be nice to everyone then gets taken advantage of .

im that girl ,

who tries to express how i feel but just cant find the words 

im that girl ,

that everyone think they know but they DON'T! ;)

i HEART you all

the moments when you always there for me ,

you always make me feel happy ,

always make me comfortable .

you make me feel precious .

you are my  FAMILY. 

but then ,

when you got a new one ,

new sisters ,

new friends ,

or either ,

a new girlfriend/boyfriend .

you leave me ALONE.

and i got this new feeling ,

yeah,its hurt . very very hurt .

yesterday , you treat me like we are SPECIAL .

but

today , we are totally STRANGER .

our memories , always swirl around in my head .

im losing you all .

well i guess,that is jut TOO BAD .

maybe , it is because of me .

so ,

the moments when you read this ,

IM SORRY .

if i ever hurt you , ignored you , mad at you ,

or drag you into my problem , im sorry if i acted like i dont care .

but the thing is , i cant never survived without you all .

pardon me if i never appreciate our RELATIONSHIP

maybe i never told you , I LOVE YOU GUYS

oh frackalacking..

Think of who will find your lifeless body. Your parents? Your best friend? Your mate? Your sibling? they won’t know what to do. They’ll stand there and stare. Then they’ll go to you, cut the rope, grab your wrists, wrap a towel around your throat. It couldn’t be true right? You couldn’t be gone. You were doing better, you were going to be ok. But you weren’t, and then you were just gone. Leaving everyone wondering, was it really my fault?

sick to say…but every time i’ve considered suicide…i didn’t really care who found me….i just wanted to be dead…and all i could think about was it wouldn’t matter who found me because i’d be dead anyway and wouldn’t be there to see any of it.

i’m messed up.

To be honest, I couldn’t name a single person who would care if I died tonight, and that really fucking scares me. I’d be surprised if anyone even noticed I was gone.

A Walk to Remember

No matter how many times I watch "A Walk to Remember", I always end up crying. It's the sweetest movie I've ever seen. It's the kind of love that I've been dreaming to experience; It's the kind of love that I want. haha! angan2 besar aku ni tauu..

I remember watching it the first time and cried because the girl died and left the guy; I thought that was tragic. However, as my beliefs mature and the more I see and experience life and especially relationships, the more I get to reflect about the great love that the movie is projecting. tettt!

Seriously I'd never get bored with this movie and I can spent my free time with watching it over and over again. Very touching okay! 

It's hard to find an unconditional love, a love that is so great that is always willing to put the happiness of others first. I wonder if God had planned for me to experience that kind of love or if He had planned to make me the giver. I know love should be a give and take thing, but the thought of being a part of an extraordinary love story excites me...or maybe I'm just saying that because I'm still high from the movie. haha!

I'm way over it! so what?? ;)

Serious shit whoever see this movie or even the book, sure ya'll love it! It's kinda old movie but yeah, you wont regret watching this! 

way to go Mandy Moore!! She's a stunning ;)

                                                  

                                                               the movie cover!

the book cover!

“I Need to Find Myself. K’bye!”

“Hey listen, things went too fast between us. I am not ready yet, I just need to find myself.”

Oh, I see. We can’t date right now because the timing is off for you. Okay, I’ll take the bait on this one, chief.

Send me a postcard from, you know.. wherever you’re going.

Wait, you’re not going anywhere??

I had a long talk with a friend who is going through with this hell-we-are-all-familiar-with dilemma. It has always wondered me why some men tend to be uber-dramatic and tend to give reasons no one really have a decent answer to. It then got me thinking, 

what actually happens when you “find yourself?”

Is there place where a box is hidden that contains your entire personality and the secret to unveiling true happiness?

No? No box?

Then you must be waiting for some sort of confirmation email. Something like “Congratulations! You have finally found yourself. Feel free to end your selfishness and start considering others feelings again.” haha!

Hmmm… Still no?

Then by any chance you’d want to tell me what’s going on around here? Because you and I both know that you’re BS-ing me.

Oh, what’s that? You’re seeing someone else?

That’s what I thought.

                                      

“I just need to find myself.”

Talk about broadness and non-specificity. I myself have heard that one too many times so I know that that’s the most 'pelik' line there is. People use it despite the fact that we all know that we never truly know who we really are on a permanent level.

 Isn’t it that human beings were thought to spend their entire lives searching for their self-purpose and worth? So why would a lifelong search keep us from committing with someone?

Though I get it that not all the time cheating happens, it’s pretty straightforward that something else is going on that is driving them away – prompting them to give the lamest excuse known to mankind. People who use this are cowards and a-holes who can’t think of a legit reason to walk away on someone. What a shame.

Finding yourself you say? Well, I hope you never do. haha! 

K’bye!

Thailand flooding..

I’m sure you heard about the Thailand flooding that is happening right now in Thailand. For reasons unknown to me, some people still find ways to have fun even in those troubled times… 
hmm seriously?? hahaha!! epic!

beauty..

I want to run around in the rain.

I want to dip my hands in a pond, trail my fingers through the ripples, feel the moistness on my skin as I dip my head back and laugh the loudest laugh.

I want to feel the grass on my toes, the smell of nature so overpowering, so clear, so clean and so beautiful. I want to the feel my heart pour out filled with emotion as I lay on a patch of grass, with the blue sky overhead, the sound of birds playing catch, the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

I want to run so free and so wild across the beach with a t-shirt and shorts. I want to feel the wind as it grazes my cheeks, as the sand cover my feet, as my whole soul surrender to the beauty right in front of me.

I believe in God. I may not have a religion that defines me or have a hope during those dark days that I have; but I believe in God. I am a freethinker who believes that we did not come into existence through evolution but that God, that being from up above created these beautiful sights we see each and every single day. I believe that people, good and bad, creates a balance because we live in a world where everything that goes up inevitably must come down. I believe that God has created each and every one of us the way we're supposed to be and that we are dictated by our actions and Gods will.

#justasking

                                        

         

             

                                             APPRECIATE BEAUTY FROM WITHIN ;)

P/S: leighton meester of gossip giril :)