to face that fear

It’s been a cycle since I was fourteen,. maybe younger. I fall madly in love with a boy, almost instantly. 

It’s wonderful and perfect and everything I’ve ever wanted. After about a year or so, I get bored. 

As much as I hate to admit that I’m this kind of person, I have cheated on every serious boyfriend I have ever had. I’m only eighteen..

 I’m afraid to be alone, so when things start getting rocky with a guy I find a replacement before I even end things with them.

 I have not ever trusted a man in my life except for my friends and I later learned that she betrayed my trust in a way that was completely

 unforgivable but I was too young to know. 

I loved her with all my heart all of her short life and we were so close.

I have loved a lot of guys for my age.

 Who knows if it was ever real love, but now I doubt that it ever was because I’ve realized without trust you can never have true love. 

I don’t want to be the person that I have become.

 I lie to everyone around me, especially the people

 I’m closest with just because I assume that’s what everyone does. 

When I get suspicious that someone isn’t telling the truth I usually bring it up to them and they assure me that they are being honest but I can never believe anyone’s word.  How long does it take to find out the truth about everyone else? 

Is everyone just putting on a fake face and doing what they want while telling their friends, lovers, and family just what they want to hear? 

Maybe everyone is just as good as covering up their lies as I have become. 

 And that changes everything in the relationship for me. It’s taken me a while to realize that.

I don’t know how or where to start but I need to change.

 I need to get over the things that have happened to me in the past. I need to be alone, without a man in my life to depend on, for once and work on bettering myself. Being alone has been my biggest fear since I was a child, even if for a short time. 

I need to face that fear.

 I need to learn to trust myself before I can ever trust anyone else and have a happy relationship.

To everyone I’ve ever hurt, I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me one day.

This is the first I’ve ever admitted this to anyone, it’s a lot easier to admit things to total strangers than to people you know.

 Please don’t judge me, I’m not this horrible person that I’ve become.

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."